Category Archives: Murphy’s Law & Other Sort-of Funny Stuff

What My Prenatal Class Forgot To Tell Me

Prenatal Classes - Newborn Care

Freaky-eyed fake baby (Photo credit: French Touch Mom)

A Facebook friend of mine just announced the joyous news of her first pregnancy. Soon afterwards she asked for advice on which prenatal class to sign up for. That got me thinking…about 95% of what I learned in prenatal class was useless.  Motherhood has a wild initiation period and no class fully prepares you for the upheaval your first child brings.

Here is a list of what you really need to know before bringing home baby:

  1. How to change a diaper on a wiggling, squirmy puppy. If you can do this, you may be able to change a one-year old. Yes, the freaky-eyed, fake babies the nurses bring are good practice for changing a newborn.  However, if your baby is like both of mine were, at around 9 months she will realize that it’s really not fun to have her legs in the air and someone swiping at her private parts.
  2. How to function on 3 hours of sleep per night. Prenatal classes should be held over a long weekend with no breaks for sleep. This might give new parents a tiny idea of how they will feel while caring for a new baby. Sleep deprivation is real and it sucks. Even if you get the very rare, almost-mythical “good-sleeper” off the bat, that is no guarantee that your baby will not turn into a non-sleeper at 3 months or 6 months.
  3. Never brag about your good sleeper on Facebook. That guarantees you a non-sleeper the next night.
  4. How to cope during the first few weeks with your baby. Our instructor could have covered the basics of pregnancy and labour in an hour and sent us home to watch What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Actual discussion of the huge psychological changes involved in becoming a parent would be far more helpful.
  5. Even if drugs are not in your plan, when the time comes, you will want them. Read up on them. The same goes for c-sections. Better to be prepared. My children are five and almost two. I had an epidural and morphine with one and practically no meds with the other. Now that the kids are older, no one asks me about it and nobody cares. You won’t get a badge of honour or special trophy for going drug-free or avoiding a c-section. Do what you need to do to remain somewhat calm and deliver a healthy baby.
  6. Breastfeeding is wonderful and natural and angels sing when some mothers do it. It also sucks sometimes, especially in the beginning. The nurse teaching our prenatal class actually said out loud to us “Don’t keep bottles or formula in your house. You may be tempted to use them.” We diligently followed her advice…until it was day 5 and my milk hadn’t come in and my son was screaming and starving. We ignored her advice and supplemented the poor child. He survived and he is perfect.
  7. If you want your baby to sleep in your room, put him there. If you can’t sleep with your baby in your room, put him in his own room if it’s nearby. It is your house, your baby and you need to do what helps everyone in the house get as much sleep as possible. I followed the “rules for creating an independent sleeper” with my son. He slept in his own room until his sister came along when he was three. Everything changed then and no book or  sleep expert in the world could compete with a screaming newborn on the other side of the bedroom wall. Now my son is five and he crawls into the big bed every night.*
  8. Never talk about your maternity leave as your “year off.” It is your “year on.” You’ll see.

*I wouldn’t trade it for the world. 🙂

What do you wish someone would have told you before you had your first child?

Advertisements

My Neglected Second Child

My poor, poor daughter gets so many pitying looks from first-time mommas.

The way I parent her is a million times different from the way I parented my son when he was her age.

I haul her around in a hand-me-down, slightly stained blue umbrella stroller. Her brother glided around in a deluxe designer stroller. I, like many first-time moms, gave in and bought the fancy-schmancy ride for my son. Yes, it’s great, but nope, it’s not so great while also managing a preschooler who never stops moving. With two kids in the family, it is rare to have one free hand, let alone two. I need a stroller I can pick up with my pinkie and throw in the trunk, completely assembled.

I had my daughter in the fancy stroller the other day (while scrounging for cheap toys and funky sweaters at Value Village) and a young mom sidled up to me and asked casually, “So, how do you like the Peg?” It took me a few minutes to realize she was talking about the stroller. I guess my children are getting older because I no longer recognize new-mommy-stroller-lingo. 😉

My daughter is often completely neglected at the park. A few months ago I took the kiddies to the playground near our house. As we pulled up, I let them loose from the constraints of stroller (my daughter) and bike helmet (my son). I always feel like yelling, “Release the hounds!” as they run wildly to whatever catches their fancy at our new child-proof neighbourhood park.

Anyways, on this particular afternoon there was only one other child there, a little boy close in age to my daughter (about 18 months at the time). He was accompanied by both of his parents and was obviously their first and only child. The little guy couldn’t take a step without some sort of comment of encouragement from both parents. At every trip or stumble they both jumped to attention. It was sort of cute, for the first few minutes.*

I was busy helping my son strap into a safety swing for 5-10 year olds (?) way across the park and had half an eye on my daughter. I saw her move towards a ladder that led to a medium-sized slide. The look on the other parents’ faces as my daughter climbed up and went down that slide alone was total shock.**  She survived. Now, a few months older, she proudly announces, “I did it!” when she lands at the bottom without falling.

Oops

My daughter is continually harassed by her five-year-old brother. The other day it was raining and he was bored. I gave him an old diaper box to do something with. He made a “toddler trap,” complete with bait (a soother and a cookie) and chased his poor sister around, trying to drop it on her head.

Toddler trap

Interestingly enough, I’m noticing many, many benefits to her being (slightly) neglected. My daughter is fiercely independent. She can say “no!” in a loud, confident voice over and over; a trait that I hope will come in handy when she is a teenager.

She can entertain herself for ages “reading” stacks and stacks of books and magazines.

iphone mid 2012-March 2013 776

She finds and gets what she needs by hauling around a kitchen chair or old plastic stool.

iphone mid 2012-March 2013 840

But most important of all, she has a built-in hero, confidant and ally in her older brother. A bit of “neglect,”  a lot of independence and a best buddy for life.

iphone mid 2012-March 2013 846

*I was totally this mom when I only had one child.

**Just so you know I’m not a total slacker…I was running  at warp-speed-that-feels-like-slow-motion and got there just as she landed on the soft mulch on the ground. By the way, why on earth do they use mulch at children’s parks? It’s like inviting children to play in a lumberyard and then being surprised when they get slivers.

What is different about the way you parent your second (or third or fourth) child?

Funny Places Toddlers Put Themselves

While I was sorting through pictures of my children for Funny Places Toddlers Put Stuff I realized I had a lot of other funny toddler pictures. Today’s version involves places my toddlers have put themselves. 🙂

On a ball

Nikon-FebMarch2013 075

With a doll

20130318-135028.jpg

In the sand

20130313-063845.jpg

Coming in to land

Airplane

Peeking out

159

Riding about

1877

Climbing up higher

Picture2 247

Checking out a fire

119

Going down a slide

20130318-135127.jpg

Looking outside

JanFeb 106

Playing in the tub

272

Looking for grub

Just going "fridging"

Helping do a chore

July 099

Hiding in a store

IMG-20130317-00397

Feeling all right

Stuffie Party

Cuddled up tight

A boy and his dog

*I’ve posted a few of these pictures on previous posts but couldn’t resist including them.

Where do your toddlers like to put themselves?

Funny Places Toddlers Put Stuff

One of my toddler daughter’s favorite pastimes is moving things from one place to another. Take her to a library or bookstore and she meticulously transfers a pile of books to a shelf across the room. Take her to Starbucks and she stacks the yogurt neatly beside the juice boxes. Take her to a hardware store and she drops the screws and nails into new places. At a toy store, every stuffie moves from shelf A to shelf B. Around the house, I’m always laughing as I find interesting little surprises that my daughter has set up for me to discover.

She gives me very creative ideas for supper:

20130313-063328.jpg

20130313-062811.jpg

She gets my slippers ready for me when I’m in the shower:

20130313-062746.jpg

She makes sure her brother can always find his underwear:

20130313-063206.jpg

She ensures that my hairspray is warmed up in the morning:

20130313-062853.jpg

She knows how to make me smile when I’m putting the dishes away at night:

20130313-081405.jpg

If I need an orange bucket, she finds one for me:

20130313-063356.jpg

And my favorite…even salad dressing needs a little love sometimes:

20130313-064053.jpg

Have you found anything around your house that your toddler has re-arranged? 🙂

Mission Mompossible (Murphy’s Law #3c)

"Sleeping" The first cry from my 20-month-old daughter comes most days at 5:07. If I jump out of bed immediately and sprint to her room I can get to her before she starts full-on crying and wakes her brother.

Then the get-her-to-go-back-to-sleep game begins. I turn on her lullaby CD, make sure she has her soother, two dolls and baby orca stuffie and change her diaper stealthily, all without making too much eye contact.

I know the jig is up if she starts yelling “milkel! milkel!” or “book! book!” If I hear either of those words I know it’s all over. She’s up. I’m up. I turn on the lights.

However… if I successfully change her with no shouts there is a tiny chance she will go back to sleep.

I bundle up an armful of toddler, dolls and “bankies” (blankets) and rock her in our rickety old chair. The chair is on its last legs but the reassuring creaks and cracks lull my little one back to calmness.

Her big blue eyes start to flutter a little and I gather her up, ease her into the crib and tiptoe out of the room. I close her door as quietly as possible then pause at my bedroom door and listen. Music to my ears is hearing my husband and five-year-old son breathing deeply in the big bed; still asleep. Most mornings I hear a chipper little boy voice asking, “Daddy? Is it time to wake up? Where’s Mommy? Can I go find Mommy?”

My favorite days are the days when all three are sleeping and there is a chance for a few minutes alone. I tiptoe down the stairs, quieter than Santa on Christmas Eve.  The bottom step is the worst; no matter where I step, some days it creaks, other days it doesn’t. Once down, I sneak into the kitchen, careful not to turn on many lights.

I flick the switch on the coffee maker. Usually (because Murphy’s Law is always in effect around here) one of the children wakes up the minute the coffee begins to drip. Our coffee maker is so loud that it sounds exactly like the pot full of boiling eggs my grandma used to make when I slept over. If I’m lucky enough to pour some coffee, the three loud beeps signalling that the brewing is finished will most definitely wake someone up and the cry of “Momma! Momma!” begins.

If, by some miracle, no one wakes from the beeps I’ll either knock something over, step on a piece of Lego or crash into the table and break the silence.

The other day I was so eager for some alone time that I crammed my feet into my five-year-old son’s Incredible Hulk socks rather than go upstairs to find my slippers.

Chances are pretty low that the quiet will last longer than 10 or 15 minutes. I admit that I love it when one child wakes before the other. I pour them some milk and have some precious early morning cuddles with them before the sibling rivalry, hugs, yells and laughter begin for another day.

Do any of you get almost desperate for a few minutes of alone time? How do you find it?

hulksocks-500x500(You know you want some.)

You may also like:

Sleeping Through the Night (Murphy’s Law #3a)

4.5 Years of Sleep Deprivation (Murphy’s Law #3b)

Dishwasher Tetris

1658 When we moved to the island two years ago we rented a 1000-square-foot shoebox that had no dishwasher. I’d always wanted to live in a “character” house, until I actually did.

“Character house” is actually a pseudonym for tiny, old, full of mold & asbestos and very, very ugly spiders.

This was all a bit of a shock to us, having moved straight from a snowy boom-town on the prairies where a newish, 3000-square-foot house (including basement) was the norm.

The fact that our  little white house was a 10 minute walk to a beautiful beach mostly made up for the bumping elbows, constant “excuse me’s” and continual stepping on playmobil knights & Lego. Nevermind the paper-thin walls, non-sleeping 3-year-old and non-sleeping newborn.

Speaking of a newborn…supplementing a 3-month-old with (gasp!) a bottle so an exhausted new momma could get a few hours of sleep meant that a dishwasher would have been really, really helpful. We gave in and bought a portable one from a kind retired guy who rebuilt it in his backyard. He and my dear husband lugged it up the steps and navigated it through the narrow 60-year-old doorways into our tiny kitchen.

Each night after both children were finally asleep (for a little while anyway) my husband or I would begin the nightly dishwasher routine:

  1. Get a good grip on the slippery metal sides and give a mighty pull to get it out from the wall.
  2. Back up to take a running start and push like crazy to get the flimsy wheels over the big hump between the hardwood and the lino.
  3. Retrieve any utensils, bottles or dishes we may need during the night. (Once the dishwasher was hooked up the rest of the kitchen was unusable.)
  4. Hook up the hose and plug in the plug.
  5. Unplug everything and move the dishwasher again to get the soap I forgot to take out from under the sink.
  6. Plug it all in again and start the damn thing.

Going through all of these steps meant that we tried to minimize the number of times we started the dishwasher. During our year in the little white house I started calling it Dishwasher Tetris: loading it to the absolute maximum by moving each plate, bowl and cup a millimetre to the left or right in order to squish something else in.

Now that our days in the little white house are behind us, we have the luxury of a built-in dishwasher again. I’m an expert at loading it to full capacity. The only glitch is my 1.5 year-old daughter who loves to “help” by hurling forks, spoons, cups and ceramic dishes in from a few feet away.

Being without something I’ve always taken for granted makes me very grateful for it when I get it back. Kind of like when I came home from tree planting in the bush and was most grateful for carpet and running water. But that’s another story. 🙂

dishwasher

Why I like 36 more than 26

How to pluck your chin hair

I had a birthday this month and suddenly realized I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m not sure why I just noticed.

Perhaps because I have two very, very busy children and I’ve slept through the night only a handful of times in five years.

Possibly because I quit my teaching job to have “stuffie-parties” on the couch, make thousands of WOW butter sandwiches, and give a zillion hugs & kisses to two very small but adorable people.

Maybe because I was selling a house in one province and moving to another (during a blizzard) while six months pregnant, with no job lined up for my husband and no new place to live. Kind of busy.

It hit me when I was getting my hair cut and my hairdresser’s face was smack-dab above mine in the mirror, under the flourescent lights. I was fascinated by the smoothness of her skin.  There were no dark circles under her eyes and no lines on her forehead. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have issues with aging (I’m ONLY 36, after all) but I was taken aback when it dawned on me that we were different.

I’m not that girl in her twenties anymore. That’s fine by me.  Not that young, but not very old; standing outside the gateway to the entryway to the hallway of middle age.

Because I’m into lists lately, here are a few reasons why I think being 36 is better than being 26:

  • I go to bed without washing my face and don’t wake up with skin like a hormonal teenager.
  • Two words: Granny panties. Just kidding. Maybe when I’m 46.
  • If I’m too tired to smile the little lines around my eyes do it for me. I’m finally trying out all the sample tubes of eye cream and concealer that have been collecting under my bathroom sink for ten years.
  • I don’t care that my fashion sense is pathetic. Why read Glamour magazine when I can sleep? If my daughter can wear pink and red together so can I.
  • My hair is thicker and fuller than ever. Never mind that the fullness is due to handfuls of it falling out after my daughter was born; the regrowth is wiry and white (!), but there’s a heck of a lot of it.
  • I listen to my younger friends’ tales of dating woe as I curl up in my moccasins with a good book, my children sleeping peacefully upstairs and husband tap-tapping on his computer in the family room.
  • No excuses are needed to go to bed at 9:30 on a Friday night. Or 8:00 on a weeknight.
  • I can act all mom-ish when I need to and yell at admonish the mean kid in the park but still be crazy and set up our camping tent in the playroom and roast marshmallows in the fireplace.
  • That random chin hair that appeared when I was 26? Now it’s white and barely visible if I forget to tweeze it. 😉

What do you think? Do you like your thirties (or forties…or eighties) better than your twenties? Why?

NOTE: When asking my hilarious group of online, cross-Canada momma friends for input on this post, many of them cited bedroom activities as prime reasons of why 36 is better than 26. Since this blog is PG-rated (my 88 year-old grandma is a follower!) I will have to leave those suggestions up to your imagination. Thanks Jaclyn, Joanna, Erica, Marianne & Isabelle.

If you think I’m even a little bit funny, check out this Top 25 list at Circle of Moms. Click the link above, scroll down to Murphy Must Have Had Kids and vote each day until February 13th.

Just Keep Swimming (Murphy’s Law #15)

Cover of "At the Pool (All Aboard)"

Murphy’s Laws of swimming with a toddler:

  1. Now I know why children wear swim diapers. Those things really work. Note to self: Next time don’t leave the baby wipes in the car.
  2. It is near-impossible to prevent a child who has just mastered the skill of running to not run on a slippery pool deck. Ear-splitting screams travel very well in a large pool facility.
  3. I was a little naive thinking we’d chill out in the toddler pool all morning. There were 4 small pools, including the hot tub. We visited each pool approximately 15 times. So much for hiding my I-have-two-children-with-me-24-hours-a-day-and-I-really-am-too-busy-to-work-out self in the water. Nope. My daughter paraded me up and down and around those pools for 90 minutes straight. I knew I should have invested in one of those bathing suits with the skirts. 😉
  4. My toddler loved the little yellow slide into the baby pool. Why sit and slide down carefully when you can hippity-hop down? *shudder*
  5. Fear? What’s that? I took my eyes off her for 2 seconds to grab a floating fish out of a bucket and Whoosh! Baby under! Momma-reflexes are amazing.
  6. The best moment was when my daughter looked towards The Big Pool and saw our next door neighbour doing aquafit. The smiles and shouts she sent across the room were enough to make the whole class stop stretching to see the little girl creating such a ruckus.

I’ll take my fearless child to the pool any day.

These wild, heart-stopping, joy-filled moments make the no-paycheck and no-time-alone parts of being a full-time momma…no big deal.

A fellow blogger was kind enough to nominate me for the following Top 25 list of Funny Mom Bloggers (even though I’m only sort of funny, some of the time).

Please click the link, scroll down and vote (every 24 hours) for Murphy Must Have Had Kids. It’s very easy to do. Voting goes until February 13th. Thank you!

Scary Mommy & Me

One of the first things I’ve said as a new blogger is that I’d love to have a post shared on Scary Mommy. Well, today is the day. 🙂 Check out a (slightly edited) version of my Driving With Kids post here.

Top 5 signs your husband has gone back to work after Christmas vacation

20130104-141220.jpg

My husband went back to work this week after a 10 day vacation. Aside from missing him (because he’s a wonderful guy) I realized I felt a little edgy for the first few days he was back to work. Suddenly I was outnumbered again! A few things made me realize our vacation was over:

  1. No more sleeping in and nap trade-offs each day. On vacations I take the mornings and hubbie takes the afternoons. We both get actual sleep and are both happier to boot. When vacations are over, this luxury is kaput and we are back to maybe five or six hours/day of sleep each.
  2. I actually have to think about supper before 4:55pm each day. When two adults are in the house, one wrangles children while one cooks, cleans & does laundry. When it’s just me I actually have to (sort of) plan these things out in advance. We can’t have waffles for supper every night, as much as my kids would love it.
  3. I have an audience in the bathroom again. When my husband is home I can go to the bathroom alone. When he is at work, the bathroom is a public place with inquiring eyes and poking fingers. The genius who lived in our house before us decided to rig all the doorknobs so that no door actually latches. If I want privacy in the bathroom I have to contort myself so one leg is pushing against the door at all times.
  4. Showering isn’t guaranteed. I managed to get in a quick shower and an even quicker blow-dry today. No chance of using a straightening iron, that’s for sure. Living on the west coast, most days I can rival Monica in that Friends episode where she goes to Barbados. 🙂
  5. Getting out of the house in the morning takes two hours. Wrangling my beautiful 18 month old daughter into her clothing takes a team of people. She doesn’t mind that her diaper is lopsided, clothes mismatched and hair a puffy cloud that matches her Mommy’s. When her Daddy is around she gets colour-coordinated outfits and (an attempt at) pigtails.

At 5:15pm the magical sound of my husband’s key rattles in the lock. I breathe a sigh of relief. Back-up has arrived!

p.s. If you are a single parent or your partner works away from home a lot,  I bow down to you.

p.p.s. If you have more than two children I bow down to you too. I’m not sure I could handle being chronically outnumbered. 😉

%d bloggers like this: